If only
by Eliza-Lou-Riley
Summary: Light issues a warning to Matsuda after noticing his interest in L. But Matsuda just can't keep away.
1. Chapter 1

Of course he noticed. Kira never missed a thing.

Matsuda was a pretty obvious person, but then again what could you expect? He wasn't the brightest of people. But Light had noticed his interest from the start. All the glances, the blushing, the determination to impress. It was really quite pathetic and he was fed up of watching it. After all, it wasn't as if Matsuda had any sort of chance.

Especially seeing as the person he was chasing was L of all people.

Where this sudden burst of adoration had come from, Light was unsure of. But he was sure it had been around for a while; Matsuda had always wanted to please L, but it seemed to have escalated into something much, much more.

It annoyed Light for two reasons. The first one being that he knew L could do better. Light had always been the office flirt - and he had done enough flirting with L to know what the young detective wanted. And let's face it; compared to L, Matsuda's IQ was way off.

The second reason was that Matsuda's tactics seemed to be working, as questionable as that sounds.

Light's suspicions first arose after Matsuda returned from accompanying Misa to the mall: please note that when shopping with Misa you are likely to be a while and return with a lot of kitten heels. Matsuda had bought L his usual supply of lollipops but also something else.

"It was in your size and…well, you don't have to wear it…" He tore his fingers through his hair as L removed the packaging, "I mean…if you don't like it…"

It turned out to be a navy blue sweater, very soft to touch, with a little white cat on the front. L studied it a while, running his fingertips along the seams and stretching the material slightly as if expecting something to jump out of it. Light was aware of how L felt about changing his clothes and expected him to rebuff Matsuda's offer swiftly, but to everyone's surprise he carefully slipped the sweater over his head; it hung off him a little, but looked comfortable to wear. The generosity was enough to make a red sensation move across from one cheek to the other.

"Thank you Matsuda-san…" he muttered, "…it's warm. I like it."

The others overlooked the blush, but Light saw; L Lawliet was not one to blush unless he was truly flattered (he knew this from experience,) but to be swooned by someone like Matsuda just put the cat among the pigeons.

The next time it was far more obvious; Light had walked into headquarters to find L with several books on his head, with Matsuda slowly guiding him from behind.

"You see? It does wonders for your posture." The older man commented, walking in step with the young detective.

"It makes my back ache," L replied dully, though his eyes focused intently on the hardback novels he was trying desperately to keep on top of his skull.

"You'll get used to it. I can see a difference already – your curves are showing."

And then that blush came again, only scarlet this time. It made Light's blood boil.

But he reached his limit when he saw L smile for the first time. Not his usual little smirks; a proper genuine smile.

Matsuda had been larking around as usual, getting on Aizawa's nerves, but for some strange reason L didn't seem the slightest bit concerned. He himself seemed rather distracted that day; he was sitting on one of the desks, watching the older man with intense concentration. He was wearing the cat jumper; he hadn't taken it off since Matsuda had given it to him.

"I think it's safe to say you're a complete _child_, Matsuda," Aizawa shook his head as Matsuda turned on the radio in the corner and began a one man jive, "This case is serious business."

"You need to loosen up, Aizawa," surprisingly Matsuda was quite a mean dancer; "I think Kira's taken away your _rhythm_."

Aizawa hid a smirk. L continued to study Matsuda's jaunty movement; it was as if he had never seen anyone dance before. It seemed to both amaze him and intimidate him; yet he watched every turn and every shake without blinking. Clearly enjoying himself, Matsuda pulled a crafty spin, only to meet L's eyes and lose his balance, to which he found himself on the floor shortly afterwards. The taskforce erupted into laughter and he grinned sheepishly at his own clumsiness.

Light, however, was the only one who didn't find the situation hilarious; he had noticed that L, who could normally keep a straight face in such matters, was delicately smiling, hiding his small white teeth behind one hand. It was one of those smiles that infected you and made you smile along with him. And this infuriated Light, because try as he might, he had never managed to get such a look from L. And Matsuda had managed it just by being a clumsy idiot.

Jealousy didn't settle well with Kira. It didn't settle well at all.


	2. Chapter 2

He waited until the headquarters had emptied before going in; Matsuda was busy finishing the paperwork he had fallen back on and when he heard movement from behind, he turned abruptly. Light could sense the disappointment. He knew that Matsuda was expecting – and _hoping_ – it would be someone else.

"Oh, it's you," his lips somehow managed to twitch into a smile, "Working late as well?"

"No, no." Light replied truthfully, "I couldn't sleep, that's all."

Matsuda switched off the lamp on his desk, "Is Ryuzaki keeping you up again?"

He noticed that his eyes seemed to glint whenever he uttered L's false name. He replied through gritted teeth, "No."

He wondered if Matsuda was aware of how much he irritated him; but then again, Matsuda was not one to notice such things. He was stuck in a small imaginary world of his own. He didn't acknowledge anything else.

Except now he had acknowledged L.

"I've been meaning to speak to you about Ryuzaki, Light." Matsuda added, and the corners of his forehead began to bead slightly with sweat.

Light had been expecting this and he leaned back against one of the desks, arms folded, "Really? What have you wanted to discuss?"

"It seems…it seems I've developed a…_likeness_ for Ryuzaki."

"Well, Ryuzaki is fairly likable-"

"I don't mean like that, Light. I mean…I like him very much."

Light's breathing hitched, "I see…"

"I was thinking that maybe…" Matsuda couldn't help but smile at the thought, "That maybe I should tell him-"

"I think it best you spare yourself the pain, Matsuda-san." Light's expression went sullen and suddenly his eyes could freeze water, "I mean, let's be honest; the chances of Ryuzaki having any feelings for you – or having any feelings at all – are pretty slim."

Matsuda's expression changed and he looked stung.

"Think about it," Light took a few steps towards him, arms still folded, "Someone as hostile and intelligent as Ryuzaki; even if he _was_ looking for love, I doubt he would look in the direction of someone so…_simple_."

"You underestimate people Light," Matsuda replied brashly, "Ryuzaki is changing. He's beginning to accept people now. He's starting to let people in."

"You may have changed him on the _outside_," at this, Light smirked, "But he'll always be the same. A leopard can't change its spots, Matsuda."

"You're wrong."

"I'm glad you think that," Light got closer until they were almost touching, "If you're wise Matsuda, you'll stop chasing Ryuzaki."

"I'm not chasing him-"

"Yes you are. And don't think that you can lie to me because you can't. Ryuzaki is_ above_ you. He deserves someone with a bit of common sense-"

"Are you referring to yourself by any chance?" Matsuda smirked, which wasn't like him, "Envy is a deadly sin, Light."

This comment left a burn. Kira began to take over and the boy's voice became a low growl, "Stay away from Ryuzaki. Because if you don't-" he reached out and grabbed Matsuda's arm, nails sinking through his sleeve to puncture the skin, "I'll have to _make _you."

The touch made Matsuda numb but for once in his life he refused to show fear and he hissed under his teeth, "Drop _dead_, Light."

"Trust me," Light's other hand snuck round and he stroked a page of the death note which was hidden in the back pocket of his jeans, "If you don't keep away, it won't be _me_ who drops down dead."

He released his hold on the man's arm and found there were little drops of red on his fingertips. He ignored them and brushed them away on his front as he left Matsuda alone in the dark, still cold.


	3. Chapter 3

Light's words had left Matsuda with a chill. But he was not one to back down so easily when it came to something as delicate as love.

He found L in his room - in front of the mirror would you believe. He was doing his hair with one of Misa's brushes, carefully combing the tangles out so it fell past his face more neatly. He was still wearing his kitten sweater but there was something else he was wearing which Matsuda had never seen him in before.

"Are you going to stand there all day, Matsuda-san?"

Matsuda jolted in his spot when he met L's eyes but was none to surprised that the young detective had sensed his presence; he came in and stood awkwardly in the corner, while L went back to grooming himself. There was something different about him today and it didn't take Matsuda long to realise that he was standing without crouching. Somehow, L didn't look right when he stood straight. He looked too human. Too _normal_. But at the same time there was an undying beauty about the way he stood. He looked a lot younger. Like a child almost.

"I see you've been practicing with the books then." Matsuda commented fondly.

"I feel taller," L replied, folding a lock of stray hair behind his ear, "You should have seen Watari's face when he saw me with a straight back." He stopped brushing and fingered a particularly clumpy part that he couldn't reach, "Matsuda-san, would you mind?"

L seated himself on the end of the bed, while Matsuda retrieved the brush and began smoothing out the rest of the knots. L's hair was really quite soft to touch when brushed properly. He'd obviously been stealing Misa's conditioner.

"You're wearing socks today," Matsuda pointed out and the other man glanced down at his feet, running a finger over the thin material.

"I fancied a change," L replied, "And they're quite comfortable."

Matsuda continued touching his hair in silence, fingertips gently stroking the dark, thick locks.

"Something is bothering Matsuda-san." L said briskly, reaching up to put his thumb in his mouth.

Matsuda blushed, "Nothing ever gets past you Ryuzaki."

"Tell me what's troubling you."

"It's nothing important."

"It must be important if it's upsetting you."

"I'm not upset. And it's nothing that would interest you," he swallowed that lie, "Not that you'd be worried about me anyway-"

"Of course I would worry about you. You're my friend."

Matsuda's hand paused and his face flushed even more, "What?"

"I've always considered you a friend, Matsuda-san. You and Light Yagami that is. You two are the only people my age I've managed to get close to."

Matsuda felt a little buzz of pride, "Thanks Ryuzaki."

"So tell me. What's upsetting you? There must be something wrong."

Matsuda remained silent.

"Have you grown attached to someone? Is it a woman?"

The older man tensed and he stopped touching L's hair, letting his hands drop beside him. His eyes closed in an attempt to keep his nerve from throwing up the words he longed to say.

"You're right Ryuzaki," he answered softly, "but not with a woman..."

L seemed confused by this; probably because he was rarely ever wrong in his predicaments. His body went stiff for a moment and he muttered, "I see…"

Matsuda mistook this for disgust.

"I can understand if you don't like that sort of thing," he said in a rush, words rambling together.

"What do you mean?"

Matsuda allowed his hair to fall into his eyes, "There are some that deem the idea of a man loving a man unnatural…"

"Those who say that are fools." L replied swiftly and he turned to sit opposite Matsuda, eye to eye, "Sexual attractions are something humans cannot help. We are driven to fall in love, whether it is with the same sex or not. We do not choose those we fall in love with; it just happens. That is the great mystery of love, Matsuda-san. It's so unexpected. People in this world are narrow-minded. But you must learn to not take notice of what they say."

Matsuda blinked and the belt that was buckled around his gut loosened, allowing him to breathe again, "Thank you, Ryuzaki."

"Who is it?" L went on, watching him curiously.

"It doesn't matter," the other man replied.

"But you love him, don't you?"

"More than anything…" Matsuda felt himself smiling, "I think about him all the time. Whenever I'm in his presence I…I don't know, it's as if we're the only two people in the world. He makes me wish I was someone different…smarter perhaps. It kills me to hide my affection from him but I fear rejection…"

"You cannot hide away because you fear rejection," L stated when he was finished, "How can you be sure that he doesn't return his interest?"

"I'm fairly certain he has no interest in me," Matsuda said with a melancholy tone.

"Why? Does he prefer the opposite sex?" L inquired him, his voice unusually sympathetic.

"I don't think that's the problem."

"Then why would he not return your affection?"

Matsuda bent his head in shame, "He's above me."

L reached out and carefully placed his thumb and fore finger on the older man's chin, tilting his head upwards so their eyes met, "Matsuda-san, if you ever repeat words like that again, I shall have no choice but to kick you. Nobody is ever _above_ you. Who has told you such a thing?"

Mentioning Light didn't seem a wise move, "No one…"

"You are a decent character, Matsuda-san." His hands moved and suddenly they were touching Matsuda's hot cheek, "And I've never had a chance to thank you for everything you've done for me."

"Ryuzaki, I-"

"I mean it, Matsuda-san." He shuffled closer, his dark eyes studying every feature, "I've only been capable of loving a few people in my life. Light-kun is one of them. You are another."

Matsuda's heart rattled in his ribcage, "Ryuzaki…"

L's lips twitched as if he was about to cry, "You are one of the few people who can accept me, Matsuda-san. You have a kind heart and that's why I love you so. Not everyone is capable of kindness Matsuda; it's a gift. And it's far more valuable than anything else."

"So…you don't mind that I'm not as intelligent as the others…as you?"

L's smile went weak, "Intelligence is nothing when you have never been loved…"

"You're wrong Ryuzaki."

L looked up to gaze at him with a slightly questioning look, his soft features twisting slightly in confusement. Matsuda's cheeks were on fire and he decided he couldn't hold his tongue any longer.

"…I mean, I know for a fact there is one who loves you. He loves you very much. In fact…all he ever does is think of you."

L responded calmly, "I would very much like to meet the man who is blind enough to have any affection for me."

The belt returned, twisting tighter than ever, "Don't…" Matsuda looked pained and he pressed their foreheads together without meaning to, "Please…you're so much more than that Ryuzaki."

They stayed like that for a while, as L's breathing hitched. He seemed to be lost for words.

"Matsuda-san…although this is a very forward request…I have a confession."

"What is it?"

"I…" at this, the younger man looked uncomfortable, "…I have never been kissed."

Matsuda looked genuinely shocked; he wondered for a moment if L was actually joking. But Ryuzaki never joked about anything this delicate.

"You mean it?"

The young man sighed, "Yes, it is not something I am very proud of. I think about it often…I have seen Light-kun interact with Misa-Misa at times and I'm curious of how it feels. But no one has ever kissed me in such a way. No one has ever-"

The detective was cut off, for at that moment Matsuda seized the oppurtunity and pressed their lips together in a sweet kiss that seemed to last his entire existence. L jerked in his spot and for a moment he was quite afraid; but after a while he calmed and put both his arms around the older man's neck. Matsuda detected the slightest hint of sugar on L's lips but that only made the kiss all the more enjoyable. It was evident that the young detective was inexperienced but it didn't matter in the slightest; he never wanted it to end. The world could fall to ruin around them for all he cared. He just wanted this to last a bit longer.

When L pulled his lips away, Matsuda's world went cold again. There were small drops of water on the detective's eyelashes, threatening to fall. He curled his arms around Matsuda's neck and held him there, trembling from the anxiety.

"I love you Matsuda-san." His fingers gripped the man's shoulders and he tried to steady his breathing, "And I want you to know that I value our friendship more than you'll ever know."

Matsuda's grip on L was something unbreakable. He knew from that moment that he could never tell him the truth. For if he were to ever tell him and face rejection, he would ruin the thing he treasured the most. If friendship was what bound them together, then they would stay friends. And he would be there when L found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He would be there, and he would feel joy for his friend and nothing else.

He was loved by L Lawliet. That's all he needed to know.

He pressed a cheek against the velvet hair and whispered, "I love you too."


End file.
